its a long journey till the end,from the beginning, but there is always the light at then end of the road :) look forward to it, and keep on that straight path!
So just thinking... how mad was I one week ago, how many mixed emotions did i really go through from then till now, and what have i done to make me feel better today than yesterday? I was cursing left and right mad at the USMC for one reason, my husband is gonna be absent for a long period of time; I knew it was his duty and I was just emotional, but all the same Deployments are not easy no matter who you are or what you think, or how many you've done. I think that they all hurt the same, but I think its emotionally more draining to have an early, unexpected pregnancy. We should have been more thrilled, and jumping for joy, but now that deployment was here, it made our celebration limited. We did the best we could and set up appointments asap so we could share this special moment. We had one appointment to see our lil baby bush on valentines day, which was ruined by the meanest bitchiest doctor ever! i swear maybe the lady hates her job with the Navy or maybe shes just seen way too many babies, but here's some advice, if you don't like your job, look for a new one, and if your in the military and you cant quit, get over yourself and don't ruin others peoples lives and happiness because of your own damn misery! The appointment was horrible, she made Bryan get out because she said that my 3 yr old knocking on the door asking if i was okay, to be out of control,even though his uncle was watching him!! She did the quick little exam in the 45 sec my husband left the room, and when he came back in she was done, looked at us and said yup your pregnant there is a heart beat, and BAM!! SHE WAS GONE! OUR FRIGGIN LUCK THAT WE HAD Houdini as our friggin' doctor. We had that bad luck twice and my husband never got to see our ultrasounds!
This is what i had to say about that... FUCK THIS... brutal i know but i was not gonna let some Navy lady, or a deployment, mess up something soo precious, so when we had our mini baby shower, haha i was 9 weeks pregnant, i bought a picture frame that i had everyone there sign, i got an ultrasound done and got a picture, and hid it in my husbands uniform bag, so he would be surprised and happy!
that is when i realized that to get through this i have to just do what makes me happy, and that's keeping my husband happy; it's a never ending cycle of love! As long as I'm happy hes happy and visa versa... and nothing makes me happier than taking care of him, since i wouldn't be able to do this physically, hey, emotionally i can make him reach the sky! I remember all the good things we have had, and the things he told me he wanted me to try and i started doing them~
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| Night b4 DDay |
So DDAY CAME, I was rushing to the Naval Base in San Diego to see my husband for the last time before I watched him sail away.He deployed with USS BOXER and for a while it is now his home. It wasn't easy saying by three times for me and twice for him. I also found it ironic and cruel that we were not to spend our last night together, and himself, along with other fellow marines, had to report to the Ship dock by 00oo!! that night was painful and hard! i was afraid to fall asleep and not wake up in time for the morning. i didn't know if seeing him again to leave was a smart choice emotionally for me or NIc, but i was not gonna start being selfish now, plus i don't care if someone told me, hey you'll get to see your husband for five minutes just do this, it would have been worth it, those five minutes would have meant everything to us! So morning of DDAy we spent 2 hours with him!! Emotions fluctuated, but the pain was there haunting me! it wasn't easy getting off that ship, i kept looking back and he kept blowing me kisses and making his famous chickan face <3 o that man knows how top make a girl cry for happiness instead of misery! 
The hardest part for me was watching them slowly sail by on the boat, all at parade rest!!! I was there though with some balloons and a flag!! My friend said something smart to me that morning that helped out, even though its more painful to watch them just sail away, its more like closure, if you say by and walk away your subconsciously gonna feel like any other work day where hes comes home through the front door! SO there was my closure that he was really gone! But i keep looking forward to the growth of our love and that hello darling I've missed you kiss!!!!!
The week felt like a night mare!! My husband made it better though, before his deployment really started he got to chat with the best invention ever, SKYPE for 8 hours total, maybe more, in two days!! talk about dedication right!! it was the greatest feeling ever! i know its just the beginning fazes but as i am reminded daily, true love has no limits! LOVE IS LOVE< ITS UNEXPLAINABLE< AND IT JUST HAPPENS, TRUE LOVE IS ONE'S SOUL FINDING OF ITS' PERFECT COUNTERPART IN ANOTHER. THIS IS WHAT I HAVE AND I AM BLESSED!
SO NOW TO THE PRESENT.... fast forwarding through a week... its amazing what a phone call or a skype date can do for the spirits, i know that the hole in my chest was going to start being filled with letters of love and compassion! There is no need to be sad all the time or be fearful, God didnt put me through this because i am weak, no, he knows that i am a MARINE WIFE, I STAND BEHIND MY HUSBAND WITH NO RECOGNITION, MY STRUGGLES ARE JUST LIKE HIS, BUT ON A EMOTIONAL LEVEL, I PLAY MOM AND DAD WHEN HE IS GONE, AND ALL I ASK FOR IN RETURN IS WHAT I HAVE, A PATIENT,KIND,UNDERSTANDING,NON JEALOUS,TRUSTING LOVE, THAT NEVER FADES ONLY GROWS WITH DISTANCE AND TIME!
Today i was feeling on top of the world! yes it saddened me that i wasnt going to hear from my husband for a couple weeks, but i got my butt into gear on unpacking and organizing, until i finally got fed up with being home! I packed up the car and grabbed Nic and we decided to go to the city. OMG, thank God for my common sense, because, i got us lost. This isnt no im lost in California and theres signs anywhere lost, i mean i drove down a dirt road and ended up in a forst than a farm lost?!!! NO GPS AND NO CELL PHONE, all i kept thinkn was i know that i need to go East and im going north so turn left soon, somehow or another, i made it! haha it took me one hour and a half, which is funny because on the way back i saw i had completely missed the right road and just went on an adventure. I wasnt worried though, i was able to take the loop and get back on the path. Its like life throwing you lemons, you choose what you want to do with them , i like throwing them at people, but you can always make some lemonaid :) I am sure that i will get things thrown at me left and right, bt after facing DDAY, nothing seems to compare to that anxiety and hurt. I have a better head on my shoulders!
Finally the part of the story i wanted to get to! haha ---------------->>>
Zaxby's ,as i recalled from a previous visit to Florida, was the best chicken wing place in the East coast according to my husband, we never go to go when he was home on leave, so when i accidentally drove past it, i decided me and Nic were gonna try it for daddies sake. It was as if God's hand was in on it, because if i wouldnt have made the mistake in driving too far, i would have never passed this restaurant! When i saw the sign my heart stopped and went in rewind mode into memory lane. A smile on my face and there we went and OMG it was YUMMY!! Exactly what a pregnant woman would hope for, and better yet NIc loved it and DEVOURED the meal, i have never seen that kid eat so fast in my life!! The sauce they make its just to die for as well!!! This made my day a whole lot better, and just made me have a big smile thinking about my loving husband! I also thought of him because of his obsession with chicken!! hes the chicken to my cow!! Finally too, when i got into my neck of the country, REMEMBER LIMITED PHONE COVERAGE, i had the miracle of perfect timing, thanks again GLORIOUS FATHER, that i received the final phone call for my husband!! o boy did i jump for joy! i was ecstatic, towards the end i did shed tears to him, but i felt great!! MY HUSBAND REALLY MEANS THE WORLD TO ME!!
SO to my loving husband,
your baby girl has been learning the COUNTRY, eating the places u have suggested to try, and having fun on this adventure of life! i am learning new things everyday, and i feel your love with me helping me, and urging me to keep going! i am admitting that you were a 100% correct on this one! haha :D I miss you everyday, and think of you everyday! I keep you in my prayers, and you better keep up with yours <3 hehe , in times of heartache ill look at our letters, our texts, your voicemails, our memories, and just look forward to the next time, because no matter how long that may be i know in my heart that i'll be seeing you...
i love you, xoxo
MRS. Bush
"let the rain fall down and wake my dreams let it wash away my sanity kus i want to feel the thunder i want to scream" i feel like tht sometimes and thts where the insomnia comes in!! id rather be awake and get a brief chance to talk to my husband in the real world, than dream a dream i wont rememeber, that i cant control, and thts not true, of coarse i like dreamimng of my husband and feeling him in my dreams, but i dont like false hope that he is gonna be back soon. woman do crazy things in their deployments, i know for a fact i have an alarm set in 3 diff times in the night to check my email because thts when i usually get one, and idc if im tired, if i get a 5 min email conversation, ill take it!!
so the weird rituals u have, whether it be kissn a picture and playn his voicemail over and over, or watchn movies of you guys together, things are normal that seem odd when your in love and lonely. horny nights are horrible, happy nights are horrible, sad nights are the best, because when you finally accept that your sad and cry your hearts desire out, you sleep in peace, and you come out of denial even if its for a couple hours, hopefully a couple of days... take advantage of everything you can to just smile, smile and laughter are the cure to time.. find that one thing you love that puts a smile on your face and holdon to it, i have mine already <3
